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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in steph's LiveJournal:

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Thursday, January 12th, 2012
11:01 am
Hello again, first time in almost a year. I've had the BEST year. I met a guy at the start of april and we had the best fucking time since then, the best love, we were so good together. Seriously, so great to know that that is possible! He has left now - moved back to home country for work but that's ok, I have this capsule of time as my own as great memories. The best-looking guy ever, seriously. But now I need to get used to being on my own again and entertaining myself.

Work is going well in the accounting company and I'm studying the ACCA accounting qualification, should keep me busy. I like it more than people said I would but I have to read novels and poetry and look at art in spare time to balance it out.

Jan-March are always pretty grim in Moscow so maybe I'll come on here more for "human" contact. God that summer and autumn and festive season were so good. Hope i never forget them. Hope those memories of hot green summer and great parties and great love will keep me warm and alive in the coming months
Wednesday, March 23rd, 2011
4:23 pm
Broomball in Kirov
Last weekend (11-13) representatives from some of the Moscow broomball teams went on a jolly to a town in the north called Kirov. Got the overnight train there after work on the friday and came back on the overnight train to go to work on the monday morning. It was a great weekend with lots of friendly games with mixed teams.
Mixed friendly games = SO much more fun than the normal league games (feeling of deja vu - have i written about this before?!).
We were filmed for local TV where the commentator didnt really understand what was going on - he called us "funny and unusual hockey" and could not understand how we had divided up the teams (teams with predominantly black on the shirt ie. girls and germans against coloured shirts which was France, Netherlands, U.S). We were the only girls team who went, the others all being busy parents and fairly humourless to boot :). The Finns didnt go either, either male or female team, presumably because, being so much better at it than everyone else and safe at the top of the league, they have had enough of the game for the season...
But we had a brilliant time charging about, into each other, scoring goals, doing funny tackles, falling over spectacularly and all in a picturesque frozen lake setting.

Well there was HUGE amounts of drinking, swimming, sauna, snowmobiling, bland mashed potato and corned beef meals in the sanatoria we stayed in... and a surprisingly small amount of scandal .

So it made a nice end to the season, to the winter, and I expected spring to follow quickly. But it hasnt: very grey and cold, so if it could just get on with the melting and the springing then that would be lovely. Thanks
Wednesday, March 9th, 2011
1:30 pm
life in Moscow for ennuiescapist (and anyone else who wanted to know)
What were you doing here when you lived here, ennui? You're not from moscow are you? Do you have russian family?

Here is a bit about my life here:

I live in Zamoskrorechye, the old district in the south center, between the circle line and the river, it is great living there and our rent isnt too bad. Nice solid old house with balcony, from which a star on the kremlin is visible. Lots of churches nearby, which have bell-wars at silly o clock on a sunday morning, as well as old factories. The chocolate factory opposite has been converted into galleries and offices, but i still smell toasted nuts and chocolate. Phantom aromatic leftover or is there maybe another factory nearby that is still operating? last summer we filled the balcony with vines and flowers which we took inside when the winter came, then they slowly died. One vine we left in the corner of the kitchen, a twisted dry mass of brown twigs. The other week is suddenly sprouted two ferny fronds of damp green leaves, and in the past week another 3 symmetrical pairs of branches have appeared. It's great.

I can walk home from bars and clubs over the river, surrounded by architectural grandeur every day. Great social life, Im happier than ive ever been.

Work: I translate and edit at the Moscow Times which is an english language newspaper and at its parent publishing house, which has most of the big glossy magazines. Ive been doing that for a year and a half and i quite like it; it is quite laid back although i also work evenings. I just whack on the psytrance and get the head down and just get on with it.

I also do freelance translations and editing as well as the odd english lesson but only when the price is right ;)

BUT i am in the process of getting a new job. I havnt received the definite document offer yet but it will be to edit due diligence reports in the M+A department of a big4 firm, very excited (and scared obviously because i dont know jack about M+A) because it will be an actual CAREER. I will need to wear suits and shit to work, and it's on the 42 floor of a skyscraper.

Definitely want to fit in some heavy partying before that to get it all out my system for a while!

So in answer to your main question, ennui, about how long do i plan to stay here, i would say maybe 5-10 years: to get good or advanced enough to be able to transfer in the same company back to the uk and live there... but i really dont know. Posmotrim!
Tuesday, March 1st, 2011
12:38 pm
update
Hello all,
I could splurge pages of philosophical musings but that would be the same as, when you're in a long distance relationship, arriving at your partner's house after a year's absence and diving right into a discussion of some new and kinky thing you want to try. Perhaps a small update on my life first? Yes.

Moscow is great but the winter is long... come spring, come! Light til almost 6 now, but still freezing. At least the houses are well heated, not like the rambling, draughty stone houses of home. But still, my mind roams among beaches, glades, fields, dunes, woodland, fluffy clouds and sun.

I play a sport called broomball which is like ice hockey in that it is a team game on ice. BUT instead of skates you have flat, spongy trainers, so you slip and slide all over the place. Great fun!

The cat is a dude. But it's a different cat from the one I told about last year when I last posted. That was a stray who "popped in" for a month or two then when spring came and the wild called, he left again.
This is a huge blue-grey professor of a cat with a melancholy expression and bright blue eyes that stare sadly. A family we know had to move in with the mother in law who is allergic so they gave him to us. Improved our quality of life a million-fold.

One worrying development is a total reliance on online communication for daily happiness. I don't mean that i never see my friends in real life or call them, because i do. But just that, owing to some modern dopamine-receptor mess-up, no matter how many emails, facebook notification or messages i get, it is never enough. Is this a consequence of living in a big city? Is it urban alienation? I just want more online chat! But as soon as i get that long-awaited reply to my email, I read it, instantly process it and move on to waiting for the next one. We (I) have to learn to enjoy the glow of actually receiving answers.

xx y'all
Monday, December 20th, 2010
12:13 pm
hey London
hello world, ive not been on here for about a year, apart from five minutes last week when i thought i had free time so logged in, then straight away lots of work arrived, so the window went unwritten-in ;)

well me and sergei are on way back to scotland for christmas. we have been on the road for 2 days and flights are all screwed with snow... so it looks like we can get to london this afternoon but not to edinburgh til tomorrow at least. So we will come and spend some time in london.

Does anyone want to hang out today or tonight? if yes call or text me 07858029427.

xxx
Wednesday, February 10th, 2010
5:55 pm
kotik
A cat came to live with us, just walked in when a guest was leaving. It might have lived before with a lady on a different floor because the first time it came it stayed for the evening, slept, then got agitated and wanted to be let out, probably for the toilet. Next morning I met it on the stairs on my way out and sent it up to our flat and it willingly went straight in. Been there since.

It's a great cat but it goes a bit psycho at night when we are trying to sleep. Thinking of feeding it a lot and not letting him sleep in the evening so that he might calm down a bit at night. This morning he was an utter psycho when I got up and I realised I hadnt left food out for the night. I gave him a bit of everything that we had in the house - rye toast, cabbage, spicy lentils, meatballs, carrots - and the ate everything. Got cat food today so can leave that out.

Other than attacking our heads in the night he is a perfect cat and I think its great that after wanting a cat for so long but not doing anything about it, one just came of his own accord. Obviously he isnt OURS and he might go as suddenly as he came but for the time being its cool.
Tuesday, January 12th, 2010
11:15 am
time wasting chit chat
-- The quality of my life is in direct proportion to the number and quality of the novels i am reading as well as amount of time i have for reading novels. I wonder at what point it would tip the scale in the other direction. For example, if i had utterly nothing to do apart from read novels, or if the only novels on offer were rubbish then i doubt i would be saying this.

-- An observation (that may well be from a novel!): LOVE is like MONEY. It pools around those who already have a lot of it. And if you have some then it is easy to make more.

-- I have no direction and no decisions about my life but it doesnt matter today because the sun is shining and the snow is white and although it is -20 I sweat in my new coat that reminds me of a sleeping bag. They were in brief daft fashion in uk about 10 years ago, a bit unnecessary (although i wish id got round to getting this one a few months ago; i could have saved myself months of shivering and hunching up) but they let me impress this girl at school by pointing at someone who went past in one and going, 'in case a nap attack should strike! you can just roll over on the pavement'.
Friday, November 20th, 2009
11:24 am
homesick
Sometimes it comes on me in waves when I try to sleep, when I try to work or prepare food. Images fly in my head of edinburgh's grey stone and moss, of the islands in the forth, of my parents, brothers and friends, a riot of solid, genuine, clever happy people with good jokes and kindly eyes, parties in the forest with multicoloured stripy knitwear, sand in everything, driftwood and shells by the door, peeling paint on the railings, that time we did acid and roamed in the snow all day, the fires we made and the cat sitting nearby, the cat the cat.

It hurts somewhere near my uetrus, insides twisted in pain, hunched up I ache and ache. I feel like a transplanted organ that is being rejected by the body it has been put in. This city of 20 million ants scurrying with sour faces seems so disgusting to me; I am a tumbleweed that can't and won't put down roots because that would be like a life sentence confirming the banishment and exile.

At these times I pretend that I am a refugee or that I was sent here by an emperor, that I am in exile and had no choice in the matter. If I acknowledge that I came here by my own will then i can't cope.

Restaurants of every style and cuisine under the sun, bars and clubs open til 6, visiting bands, as many cinemas and shops as you could want, a great job and loving partner, none of it means anything when you want to be somewhere else.
Monday, October 26th, 2009
4:15 pm
know-it-alls
layers of identityCollapse )
i feel soooo much better now :) and superior, if you want to know.
Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
3:31 pm
since when did i get so conventional and boring?
when should you take decisive action to determine the course of your life? should you do something that would be painful and not fun in the short term, so that you might have what think you want in the long term?

in other words, what i have now: i live in moscow with a nice man and i have a job.
what i might want in 5 or 10 years: to live in the uk and to have kids (and hopefully still a job, maybe part time)

other factors in this decision:
-- i dont want to have kids in russia
-- man cant speak english or get a uk visa let alone citizenship/job/anything else in uk
-- man is 49 and the jury is out on whether this fact on its own means 'you will not be the father'
-- our life together at the moment is great and he is good for me

it seems stupid to throw away a relationship that is nice just because i have some inbuilt social conditioning that prompts me to find a boring man with a stable job and who is about my age who might be able to support us.
and men with stable jobs are never around anyway cos they are out working, so wouldnt it be better to have a retired man with time on his hands (free childcare, cook the tea etc)? right now i like having a househusband while i work. but i prolly couldnt support a whole family. and at what age would he get too weak and tired to raise kids?

A normal, sensible answer would be 'but Steph you do not want kids right now. Enjoy your life and cross that bridge when you come to it'. But it takes a while to build up a stable base for child-rearing - job, house, trust and relationship you have developed over time. You cant just jump up one day with a 'now is the time, im gonna do it!'. It would be so unbelievably shit to stay where I am because I am scared of being a person who dumps people/scared of the unknown and to wake up one day trapped in a relationship with the wrong person, but unable to leave because he would be old and infirm and unable to find anyone else, and so if i left i would be a TERRIBLE PERSON. then we would grind out the rest of our lives in regret and resenting each other.
OR he could be the father anyway. Then no doubt cark it when the first child is 2 and leave me on my own. (russian average lifespan for men is like 57 or something ridiculous).

The logical answer then is to leave now and set my life on the track that i want it. but i would miss him, i would miss russia, i would get bored, boring and promiscuous... i would forever be the person who walked away. and what i want might change. i might decide that i could have kids in russia. or even, that i never want them.

so the only answer is to stay where i am for the time being. but that is so dishonest. what is the point if i am using him for fun and self-improvement for the present but dont want to commit to 'forever'?
yuk. i never used to think like this. cant you just enjoy people while they are there? why all this 'all or nothing' crap?

anybody else ever thought this or similar?
Tuesday, October 13th, 2009
1:09 pm
my first poem
My head holds a beech glade of shimmering flakes
where the mind of God comes to play.
It spars with itself like a pair of young hares
until God comes and leads it away
Monday, October 12th, 2009
12:04 pm
concentrated life
I love the way the WEEKEND is such an important thing when you work. When your free time is finite then you make the most of it and it is all the sweeter. The weather god is working on my wavelength too: after a week of heavy freezing rain sat and sun were cold and clear. Monday morning the rain is back on with a vengeance.

brilliant weekendCollapse )
Friday, October 9th, 2009
10:27 am
desk-job blues
I have been at my new job for a week; it is pretty good. Today for example I have the dubious joy of having nothing to do. I have already 'stolen' time from the company by using my desk and internet to conduct my own affairs: planning the english lessons that I teach and writing some articles for Passport magazine. For a few weeks I had a lot of very well-paid afternoon english classes but I have had to cancel them because work says that 'there is so much work, that I need to stay until 6 each day'.
Yeah right, I should BE so lucky! It is good having a desk and internet and coffee machine, but we are a little low on stimulating tasks and responsibility. So I am, once again, an office zombie who's eyes are so goggled by the end of the day from staring at the screen that I can barely focus on anything.

So you can expect me to be reviving my LJ quite a bit. And reading all your links, and getting some more FOLK on here too.
Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009
10:47 am
Monday, September 21st, 2009
12:39 pm
if i just force myself to write, it WILL flow, it WILL
Recently a man who edits a magazine said that if I just send him some recent writing of mine then he can almost definitely publish it, and I might get some income. Great! then another man in a bar said 'Oh I won't tolerate your whining about not knowing what to write about; write about your shoe or that crack in the floor, just write a page a day and it will flow'.

Here I am now, forcing myself to write a page today. And if we manage a page tomorrow then it will be a bonus. And the next day will follow when it feels like it. Today I will write about what I did on Saturday.
saturdayCollapse )
Sunday, June 14th, 2009
2:50 pm
Hi guys
Lots of us are looking for jobs, doesn't it suck, I sympathise with all the low self esteem, repetition and boredom that it entails. I hope we are not competing against each other! ))

Do any of you work in engineering firms? Would you be willing to talk to me about it for a bit? Shout a reply and i will PM you more details. I want to work in marketing in an engineering company and it would be a huge help to talk to somebody about opportunities in this sector. I am looking for civil engineering, mining, consumer electronics and any others that you represent.

In fact, if you are willing to talk to me about it, then it isn't important what sort of company it is. I just need to collect a variety of first hand information about what it is like working in a big company.

Questions I have include:
does the company ever hire anyone without an engineering degree for eg marketing, HR departments?
does the company have international offices, specifically in Russia, and how does it interact and communicate with them? what degree of autonomy do these offices have?

Thankyou in advance. I wait to hear from you.

Be warned: next post could well be a relationship brain dump looking for advice. ooer.

Current Mood: its sunday i know, sorry
Thursday, March 5th, 2009
10:44 am
heads up
... because i have not been on here for years and now i find myself chained to a desk with no work to do. next i will find a new profile pic.

so now i need to think of something interesting to tell you.

.... still thinking... i live in moscow and im having a good time... i just translated a 60-page survey about microwaves. (the nice life is more on either side of 9-6!)

thats about all you need to know. its nice reading all you's posts. if you met me now you prolly wouldnt recognize me. you might like me better, ha ha!

всего наилучшего xx
Tuesday, September 18th, 2007
12:20 pm
living in londinium
hey everyone, i know i havnt posted for a while but i am alive and well and good. once again i am only posting here to pick your brains, using you dontchaknow.

i will be living in london from october until christmas and starting to go about finding a place to stay, just wondering where you london people recomend i look, as regards websites etc? yknow, gumtree and that. id like to know if theres some sort of small/kooky/interesting sites/forums where for example bored, rich but very interesting (and not entirely un-goodlooking) recent divorcees can advertise their spare rooms for rent. or highly cultured and sophisticated but liberal grannies living in large central premises offering short-term accomodation in return for educated and stimulating chat.

you never know, if you dont ask you dont get :)
Monday, May 28th, 2007
4:00 pm
something that crossed my mind on the way to sleep
... on the significance of hallucinogens for the study of semiotics and synasthesia.

ramblesCollapse )

can you guess that i have a lot of time on my hands? im loving it. I am so happy at the moment. I have finished 4 years of university and I am reclaiming my life and my head. I'll get a job pretty soon. I don't have any plans. In a while this could get boring but for the time being I will sit in bed every day with the sunrise streaming in and listen to the traffic and just think. or not even that.
Friday, December 1st, 2006
1:24 am
term is finished, go me
yesterday i was in town trying to buy a swimming costume

and there werent many about

so i tracked down this bright turquoise halterneck thingy, and the wifie on the checkout was like "so you off anywhere nice?" and i was like "aye actually, gran canaria" and whole queue is like "lucky bint"
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