zoo music steph
[Most Recent Entries]
[Calendar View]
[Friends]
Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
steph's LiveJournal:
[ << Previous 20 ]
| Friday, November 20th, 2009 | | 11:24 am |
homesick
Sometimes it comes on me in waves when I try to sleep, when I try to work or prepare food. Images fly in my head of edinburgh's grey stone and moss, of the islands in the forth, of my parents, brothers and friends, a riot of solid, genuine, clever happy people with good jokes and kindly eyes, parties in the forest with multicoloured stripy knitwear, sand in everything, driftwood and shells by the door, peeling paint on the railings, that time we did acid and roamed in the snow all day, the fires we made and the cat sitting nearby, the cat the cat. It hurts somewhere near my uetrus, insides twisted in pain, hunched up I ache and ache. I feel like a transplanted organ that is being rejected by the body it has been put in. This city of 20 million ants scurrying with sour faces seems so disgusting to me; I am a tumbleweed that can't and won't put down roots because that would be like a life sentence confirming the banishment and exile. At these times I pretend that I am a refugee or that I was sent here by an emperor, that I am in exile and had no choice in the matter. If I acknowledge that I came here by my own will then i can't cope. Restaurants of every style and cuisine under the sun, bars and clubs open til 6, visiting bands, as many cinemas and shops as you could want, a great job and loving partner, none of it means anything when you want to be somewhere else. | | Monday, October 26th, 2009 | | 4:15 pm |
| | Wednesday, October 21st, 2009 | | 3:31 pm |
since when did i get so conventional and boring?
when should you take decisive action to determine the course of your life? should you do something that would be painful and not fun in the short term, so that you might have what think you want in the long term? in other words, what i have now: i live in moscow with a nice man and i have a job. what i might want in 5 or 10 years: to live in the uk and to have kids (and hopefully still a job, maybe part time) other factors in this decision: -- i dont want to have kids in russia -- man cant speak english or get a uk visa let alone citizenship/job/anything else in uk -- man is 49 and the jury is out on whether this fact on its own means 'you will not be the father' -- our life together at the moment is great and he is good for me it seems stupid to throw away a relationship that is nice just because i have some inbuilt social conditioning that prompts me to find a boring man with a stable job and who is about my age who might be able to support us. and men with stable jobs are never around anyway cos they are out working, so wouldnt it be better to have a retired man with time on his hands (free childcare, cook the tea etc)? right now i like having a househusband while i work. but i prolly couldnt support a whole family. and at what age would he get too weak and tired to raise kids? A normal, sensible answer would be 'but Steph you do not want kids right now. Enjoy your life and cross that bridge when you come to it'. But it takes a while to build up a stable base for child-rearing - job, house, trust and relationship you have developed over time. You cant just jump up one day with a 'now is the time, im gonna do it!'. It would be so unbelievably shit to stay where I am because I am scared of being a person who dumps people/scared of the unknown and to wake up one day trapped in a relationship with the wrong person, but unable to leave because he would be old and infirm and unable to find anyone else, and so if i left i would be a TERRIBLE PERSON. then we would grind out the rest of our lives in regret and resenting each other. OR he could be the father anyway. Then no doubt cark it when the first child is 2 and leave me on my own. (russian average lifespan for men is like 57 or something ridiculous). The logical answer then is to leave now and set my life on the track that i want it. but i would miss him, i would miss russia, i would get bored, boring and promiscuous... i would forever be the person who walked away. and what i want might change. i might decide that i could have kids in russia. or even, that i never want them. so the only answer is to stay where i am for the time being. but that is so dishonest. what is the point if i am using him for fun and self-improvement for the present but dont want to commit to 'forever'? yuk. i never used to think like this. cant you just enjoy people while they are there? why all this 'all or nothing' crap? anybody else ever thought this or similar? | | Tuesday, October 13th, 2009 | | 1:09 pm |
my first poem
My head holds a beech glade of shimmering flakes where the mind of God comes to play. It spars with itself like a pair of young hares until God comes and leads it away | | Monday, October 12th, 2009 | | 12:04 pm |
concentrated life
I love the way the WEEKEND is such an important thing when you work. When your free time is finite then you make the most of it and it is all the sweeter. The weather god is working on my wavelength too: after a week of heavy freezing rain sat and sun were cold and clear. Monday morning the rain is back on with a vengeance. ( brilliant weekend ) | | Friday, October 9th, 2009 | | 10:27 am |
desk-job blues
I have been at my new job for a week; it is pretty good. Today for example I have the dubious joy of having nothing to do. I have already 'stolen' time from the company by using my desk and internet to conduct my own affairs: planning the english lessons that I teach and writing some articles for Passport magazine. For a few weeks I had a lot of very well-paid afternoon english classes but I have had to cancel them because work says that 'there is so much work, that I need to stay until 6 each day'. Yeah right, I should BE so lucky! It is good having a desk and internet and coffee machine, but we are a little low on stimulating tasks and responsibility. So I am, once again, an office zombie who's eyes are so goggled by the end of the day from staring at the screen that I can barely focus on anything. So you can expect me to be reviving my LJ quite a bit. And reading all your links, and getting some more FOLK on here too. | | Tuesday, September 22nd, 2009 | | 10:47 am |
| | Monday, September 21st, 2009 | | 12:39 pm |
if i just force myself to write, it WILL flow, it WILL
Recently a man who edits a magazine said that if I just send him some recent writing of mine then he can almost definitely publish it, and I might get some income. Great! then another man in a bar said 'Oh I won't tolerate your whining about not knowing what to write about; write about your shoe or that crack in the floor, just write a page a day and it will flow'. Here I am now, forcing myself to write a page today. And if we manage a page tomorrow then it will be a bonus. And the next day will follow when it feels like it. Today I will write about what I did on Saturday. ( saturday ) | | Sunday, June 14th, 2009 | | 2:50 pm |
Hi guys Lots of us are looking for jobs, doesn't it suck, I sympathise with all the low self esteem, repetition and boredom that it entails. I hope we are not competing against each other! )) Do any of you work in engineering firms? Would you be willing to talk to me about it for a bit? Shout a reply and i will PM you more details. I want to work in marketing in an engineering company and it would be a huge help to talk to somebody about opportunities in this sector. I am looking for civil engineering, mining, consumer electronics and any others that you represent. In fact, if you are willing to talk to me about it, then it isn't important what sort of company it is. I just need to collect a variety of first hand information about what it is like working in a big company. Questions I have include: does the company ever hire anyone without an engineering degree for eg marketing, HR departments? does the company have international offices, specifically in Russia, and how does it interact and communicate with them? what degree of autonomy do these offices have? Thankyou in advance. I wait to hear from you. Be warned: next post could well be a relationship brain dump looking for advice. ooer. Current Mood: its sunday i know, sorryCurrent Music: david byrne radio | | Thursday, March 5th, 2009 | | 10:44 am |
heads up
... because i have not been on here for years and now i find myself chained to a desk with no work to do. next i will find a new profile pic. so now i need to think of something interesting to tell you. .... still thinking... i live in moscow and im having a good time... i just translated a 60-page survey about microwaves. (the nice life is more on either side of 9-6!) thats about all you need to know. its nice reading all you's posts. if you met me now you prolly wouldnt recognize me. you might like me better, ha ha! всего наилучшего xx | | Tuesday, September 18th, 2007 | | 12:20 pm |
living in londinium
hey everyone, i know i havnt posted for a while but i am alive and well and good. once again i am only posting here to pick your brains, using you dontchaknow. i will be living in london from october until christmas and starting to go about finding a place to stay, just wondering where you london people recomend i look, as regards websites etc? yknow, gumtree and that. id like to know if theres some sort of small/kooky/interesting sites/forums where for example bored, rich but very interesting (and not entirely un-goodlooking) recent divorcees can advertise their spare rooms for rent. or highly cultured and sophisticated but liberal grannies living in large central premises offering short-term accomodation in return for educated and stimulating chat. you never know, if you dont ask you dont get :) | | Monday, May 28th, 2007 | | 4:00 pm |
something that crossed my mind on the way to sleep
... on the significance of hallucinogens for the study of semiotics and synasthesia. ( rambles )can you guess that i have a lot of time on my hands? im loving it. I am so happy at the moment. I have finished 4 years of university and I am reclaiming my life and my head. I'll get a job pretty soon. I don't have any plans. In a while this could get boring but for the time being I will sit in bed every day with the sunrise streaming in and listen to the traffic and just think. or not even that. | | Friday, December 1st, 2006 | | 1:24 am |
term is finished, go me
yesterday i was in town trying to buy a swimming costume and there werent many about so i tracked down this bright turquoise halterneck thingy, and the wifie on the checkout was like "so you off anywhere nice?" and i was like "aye actually, gran canaria" and whole queue is like "lucky bint" | | Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006 | | 11:46 pm |
random hate post
today's bile and rage is directed at RADICCHIO, the evil purple weed. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Radicchio. but the site doesn't mention how obnoxious it is. i usually love vegetables. i count spinach, chard and kale as among my favourite foods. so i thought that this stuff would be along similar lines but purple. (purple tastes good doesn't it? no not in this case. think again kids) but noooooo, it's evil and inedible and made of some chemical like strychnine or arsenic or something that makes all your muscles contract in PAIN and misery. this is the first time i think in my life that ive ever found a food that i didn't like. (apart from a well dodgy kotlet po kievski in a train station in ukraine). what a momentous experience. what a reprehensible plant it is. bitter and evil. bitter. bitter. barf. | | Thursday, August 24th, 2006 | | 4:28 pm |
londinium
hey all, i will be in london with nothing to do on tues 29th, any suggestions? cheers | | Wednesday, August 16th, 2006 | | 10:58 pm |
| | Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006 | | 10:38 pm |
wouldnt it be funny if...
right, long explanation coming up, please persevere and comment! right. after seeing a brilliant production of Gogol's Nose (Shostakovich opera), I was struck by this vision of the two of them (gogol and shostakovich) being friends. and what they would talk about and what would come out of it. then in the Hermitage I almost fell over at the thought of 'oh shit! imagine if El Greco and Gogol were friends! imagine if they met!' the point is that I know next to nothing about these people or anyway about their private lives. but some kind of thing in their output and works or what is publicly and generally known about their character, makes them seem similar, affiliated with each other, as if theyd have lots to talk about and would spark off some REAAAAAAAALLY interesting stuff. So im starting a project where i want to 'collect' interesting pairings of historical figures who would have either a special connection or something special to argue about, or could have a good chat together over a pint, or who might fall in love... or something. then write little stories or plays or drawings of them together. so , help me! throw off like a catherine wheel what pairings come to mind! i want to know if anyone has ever thought of this before, and what issues were raised. ie, how irreverent can you be and still be interesting, how much you have to stick to what is common knowledge of a person's biography and how much you can intersperse other personas they might have had in their writings... it doesnt have to be writers or authors though. any commonly known person whose image is widely known and has some kind of place in common consciousness. so , political figures, prophets, musicians, sports players, celebrities... and they dont have to be from the same era or race or background. in fact its better if they would have had no chance at all of ever meeting each other before. this is hypothetical, in the game they can understand each other. be silly! inspire me! | | 12:49 pm |
cats, eh?
usually there are 8 folk living in my house but at the moment most are away. This means I am the sole focal point of the cat's clinginess and insecurity. all day when it's cold and raining and I want a furry orange boy to snuggle with while im reading, he is nowhere to be found. he mooches about and yowls and gets in the way when im trying to cook or do anything productive. THEN just as i go to bed - no matter how late i stay up, or early i go to bed to try and trick him - he brings me a mouse present. he deposits his mangled prize on the most important piece of paper, letter or work he can find and yowls until i come to congratulate him. By the time i put on the light and open my room door his self-congratulory singing has changed to one of remorse, a death requiem, he bends over the mouse begging its forgiveness and lamenting operatically - "what will these hands never be clean, oh CURSE my hunter instincts!!" and doesnt calm down til I clean up the mousie and reassure him. I don't eat mice and I have no need of these pathetic mangled gifts. but he doesn't understand. every fuckin night! (at least he's given up on rabbits. they were too big to get through the catflap) | | Monday, July 31st, 2006 | | 1:22 am |
| | Friday, July 28th, 2006 | | 12:21 pm |
yknow, pointless entry, but i feel like shouting this or i might explode: the momentous news that i am IN LOVE. and i cant tell the person, or not just yet. so i tell myself the momentous news, "i love him" and every time i say it , it is full of a profundity that amazes me, as if i just coughed up a pearl. and you get a bonus point if you get where that reference/quote came from |
[ << Previous 20 ]
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
mopani's journal