steph (mopani) wrote,
steph
mopani

since when did i get so conventional and boring?

when should you take decisive action to determine the course of your life? should you do something that would be painful and not fun in the short term, so that you might have what think you want in the long term?

in other words, what i have now: i live in moscow with a nice man and i have a job.
what i might want in 5 or 10 years: to live in the uk and to have kids (and hopefully still a job, maybe part time)

other factors in this decision:
-- i dont want to have kids in russia
-- man cant speak english or get a uk visa let alone citizenship/job/anything else in uk
-- man is 49 and the jury is out on whether this fact on its own means 'you will not be the father'
-- our life together at the moment is great and he is good for me

it seems stupid to throw away a relationship that is nice just because i have some inbuilt social conditioning that prompts me to find a boring man with a stable job and who is about my age who might be able to support us.
and men with stable jobs are never around anyway cos they are out working, so wouldnt it be better to have a retired man with time on his hands (free childcare, cook the tea etc)? right now i like having a househusband while i work. but i prolly couldnt support a whole family. and at what age would he get too weak and tired to raise kids?

A normal, sensible answer would be 'but Steph you do not want kids right now. Enjoy your life and cross that bridge when you come to it'. But it takes a while to build up a stable base for child-rearing - job, house, trust and relationship you have developed over time. You cant just jump up one day with a 'now is the time, im gonna do it!'. It would be so unbelievably shit to stay where I am because I am scared of being a person who dumps people/scared of the unknown and to wake up one day trapped in a relationship with the wrong person, but unable to leave because he would be old and infirm and unable to find anyone else, and so if i left i would be a TERRIBLE PERSON. then we would grind out the rest of our lives in regret and resenting each other.
OR he could be the father anyway. Then no doubt cark it when the first child is 2 and leave me on my own. (russian average lifespan for men is like 57 or something ridiculous).

The logical answer then is to leave now and set my life on the track that i want it. but i would miss him, i would miss russia, i would get bored, boring and promiscuous... i would forever be the person who walked away. and what i want might change. i might decide that i could have kids in russia. or even, that i never want them.

so the only answer is to stay where i am for the time being. but that is so dishonest. what is the point if i am using him for fun and self-improvement for the present but dont want to commit to 'forever'?
yuk. i never used to think like this. cant you just enjoy people while they are there? why all this 'all or nothing' crap?

anybody else ever thought this or similar?
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